Acknowledging Our Feelings

What happens when you feel an emotion but refuse to admit it? Maybe more than you think.

From the time we were children, most of us have been taught that it's OK to express certain feelings but not others. We learned to hide emotions that made other people uncomfortable or that somehow put us in a less than favorable light. It was OK to feel grateful but not angry, OK to feel confident but not scared, OK to defer to our parents but not to question them, etc.

Sometimes we even learned to hide these unacceptable feelings from ourselves. We feel frightened of social contact, but deny it and pretend boredom. We feel hurt and rejected, but deny it and call it anger. We feel resentful of abusive behavior but deny it, and call it a successful relationship because we believe we need it to survive.

But unacknowledged feelings almost always cause trouble. We may be able to stuff them down inside temporarily, but they invariably find another escape route. Unacknowledged feelings will often manifest themselves in physical ways - in backaches, headaches, ulcers, or other more serious illnesses.

What were you taught about feelings as a child? Now that you're older, perhaps you'd like to learn what others have to say. Try reading John Bradshaw on shame, or Martin Seligman on depression and optimism, or Harriet Lerner on anger, for starters. There is an abundance of treatises on the effects of suppressed anger. Then, make up your own mind.

Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute
www.thepacificinstitute.com

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